Sandwich generation of carers caught in care vice
LOS ANGELES: There are thousands of people managing the difficult load of caring for their young children as well as their sick or aging parent, while also maintaining a paid job.
Dubbed “sandwich carers”, their numbers are on the rise in Australia, as people are having children later, children are staying at home longer and older Australians are living longer.
If you’ve hit midlife with kids at home and ageing parents, welcome to The Sandwich Generation. We see you and we’ve got lots of advice to help you through.
From setting boundaries when you’re the family member shouldering all the work, to managing your mental health, these experts have advice on what to do when you’re squished between two sets of caring demands.
Who are the sandwich carers?
Sandwich caring is invisible and informal work performed mostly by women, explains Michelle O’Shea, a senior lecturer at Western Sydney University’s school of business, who researches this type of care.
Women make up 91 per cent of sandwich carers, and 40 per cent of those women also have paid jobs.
They don’t always identify as being a carer, which can be problematic. It means they’re not necessarily reaching out for available workplace or government assistance, or even support and acknowledgement from within their own families, Dr O’Shea says.
Yet, this cohort is in significant need of those supports.
“Women who are in the typical age bracket of the sandwich generation have the lowest life satisfaction scores in comparison to other women,” Dr O’Shea says.
That’s partly because they are less likely to have time to focus on positive health behaviours like getting enough sleep or exercising, drinking less alcohol or stopping smoking.
Given the average caring span is around 12 years, the impacts of that could be profound.
The top carer’s rule
The number one rule for a carer is to take care of your mental health, says Jenny Brown, a family therapist and mental health social worker.
“That’s the best gift we can give to our family … Take responsibility for that, and then talk through with the important people in our life how the change is affecting us,” she says.
A growing number of people juggling care for both an elderly parent and their children. It can be stressful and isolating, but setting boundaries can help. Here’s how.
Women’s wellbeing expert Megan Godwin recommends carers identify small activities that bring joy and then turn them into habits or routines.
“This could be [improving your] sleep schedule, committing to 30 minutes of physical activity every day, or ensuring at least one act of social connection each week,” Dr Godwin says.
“Maybe it’s a phone call, maybe it’s a walk with a friend or maybe it’s attending a community event.”
Maintaining social connection helps to avoid the feelings of loneliness and isolation that can come with being a carer.
It’s good to be aware that, just as there are different styles of parenting children, there are also different styles of looking after parents.
“We can over-parent our parents, and we can treat them as less capable than they are,” Dr Brown says.
“Stress does that, it makes us focus on fixing and doing too much for others, rather than asking others, ‘What would you like to do for yourself? What’s important to you, Mum or Dad? How do you want to handle your medical care?'”
Dr Brown says it’s important to treat your parent according to their competence, not their frailty.
Unfortunately, you can’t always rely on everyone in the family to do their bit.
“Sometimes the load falls on one person’s shoulders,” psychologist Rebecca Ray says.
If that’s your position, it’s important to make sure you don’t end up “decompensating”, which essentially means have a meltdown.
“Your energy needs to be preserved in some way,” Dr Ray says.
One good way to do that is by setting boundaries around what work you can and can’t take on.
Dr Karl knows the best app for free podcasts, radio, music, news and audiobooks … and you don’t need to be a scientist to find it!
It’s a means of self-preservation — and shouldn’t be mistaken as selfishness.
“Oftentimes, the boundaries that are hardest to set are those that we set with ourselves, where we say, ‘Look, I’ve only got the energy to visit my parent in a care facility three times a week, rather than every single day’,” Dr Ray says.
“And that can be difficult to swallow because we want to be there 100 per cent of the time, but sometimes it’s essential to be able to make sure that you can keep going.”
Talking to your parents about their competencies and limits, as well as your own, can be tough and uncomfortable. But don’t let that stop you.
“Push through it,” Dr Ray says.
“Don’t give up on the difficult conversations. Talk to people in your family, not at them or about them. We do a lot of talking about other family members behind their back. That doesn’t get us anywhere.
“There are so many opportunities in relationships [when we are] going through a difficult time. There are opportunities for growth in ourselves, so that we can contribute to those we care about.”