Seniors Housing & Healthcare Trends

LOS ANGELES: Older couples married two decades or more are increasingly opting for divorce, creating unique financial and emotional challenges, statistics show.

Coined “grey divorce”, experts believe the emerging trend has been escalated by Covid, social media, reduced stigma around separation, and women feeling more empowered.

They say while “infidelity still reigns supreme in the divorce stakes”, for many older couples a decision to go their separate way simply reflects an “it’s time” moment.

Australian Institute of Family Studies figures released in March show more than one quarter of the 56,244 divorces granted in 2021 involved couples married 20 years or more, up from about one in five in the 1980s and 1990s.

“I recall a man I acted for … in a case where he had literally retired a week before his wife of 40 years told him she was not going to live another day with him now he would be home all day,” Clark Panagakos Family Law director Bev Clark said.
“They owned a modest home and some superannuation.
“He described having worked a factory job he hated and he had expected that when he could finally give up work he and his wife would use his superannuation to travel – a luxury he had not been able to afford.
“Upon separation, however, he had to use his superannuation to fund a home while his wife kept the family home … he then could not afford the retirement lifestyle he had longed for.”

More recent data from national information and mediation group The Separation Guide reveals a 27 per cent increase in the number of people aged 45 and older who had been married more than 20 years seeking advice on separation, in the last half of 2022.

The guide’s CEO Angela Harbinson said many more people with a “thirst to live a different type of life” were opting to separate once kids had been schooled and put through university.

“(Often) they both still have deep fondness for each other but have just decided to move on; 62 per cent of this cohort are amicable and don’t want to fight,” she said.

Vanessa Camerlengo, a senior solicitor at Adelaide’s Resolve Divorce, said her firm was “definitely experiencing” a rise in the number of divorces involving long-term relationships, consistent with the national trend and an increase on the back of Covid.

Firm director Rose Cocchiaro said contrary to popular belief, mature-age divorce wasn’t predominantly driven by “men cheating or trading in their wives”.

“We honestly see the opposite – women who want something more from their lives than they are getting and choosing to empower themselves by doing it alone,” she said.

What the experts say: 3 snippets of advice

1. “Don’t cheat; look inward first; talk and communicate with your partner and seek professional counselling; (make time for) date nights and holidays away.” – Resolve Divorce director Rose Cocchiaro
2. “My advice to anyone who comes to see me before they finalise the decision to end an unhappy relationship is to encourage them to seek help from a family therapist or counsellor and engage their spouse in that process.” – Clark Panagakos Family Law director Bev Clark
3. “Communication is key. Being open and transparent about issues you are facing, and seeking support, can be ‘make or break’ in a marriage.” – Resolve Divorce senior solicitor Vanessa Camerlengo

She pointed also to “the negative impact of social media on marriages” with people comparing their own lives to what they see showcased as “a perfect marriage” on their screens.

Local collaborative law spec­ialist Clark Panagakos Family Law director Bev Clark also noted a “higher incidence of long marriages/relationships ending”.

“In my experience all separations are stressful for those going through them … for me, personally, I find it terribly sad to see elderly people facing the prospect of selling the home they have lived in for 40 years and worrying about how they can replace it,” she said.

“Long marriages usually mean that couples are either retired or nearing retirement, that means there is less or no opportunity to replenish wealth or rebuild financially.”

Challenges couples who divorce after many years face

Couples separating after many years together face unique challenges, both emotional and financial, including:

Emotional

“Where one person has assumed a homemaker role throughout the relationship and is then
required to re-skill or re-enter the workforce – this can be a daunting, and emotionally
difficult,” says Resolve Divorce senior solicitor Vanessa Camerlengo.

“Long term relationships tend to have a longer lasting impact, and are more difficult to recover from emotionally … this is often because they are so connected and involved with each other’s family and friends, the loss can be deeper than just their relationship.”

“Challenges that come after a lengthy relationship ends (include) the loss of identity … their transition from a couple to a single is a more deep and emotional process filled with lots of self doubt and people need more support from us emotionally to empower and revitalise their sense of purpose,” adds Resolve Divorce director Rose Cocchiaro.

“They are usually older and feel like they have wasted time and tend to feel more shameful about the ending of the marriage than shorter marriages where they have been more decisive about a bad decision early.”

Financial

“Long marriages usually means that couples are either retired or nearing retirement. That means there is less or no opportunity to replenish wealth or rebuild financially,” Panagakos Family Law director Bev Clark says.

“If one party has been out of the workforce for 20 or more years and the other does not earn sufficient income that spousal support is an option, or if the cost of fighting to get support outweighs what may be secured, there is great trauma and anxiety in the financially weaker party and often great resentment if the working party appears relatively unaffected by the separation.
“When the parties are forced to sell the home and it is the major asset, and they are unable to secure borrowings to rehome themselves it can be heartbreaking particularly when the rental market is tight and expensive.

“Where there is plenty of wealth to share in an older couple’s separation it is still challenging as they must face the fact that they cannot live the same life apart as they did together.”